There are probably 3 people in this world who know me, and I mean really know me. The people that I share everything with, every joy, every battle. These people can look past the "tough and independent" exterior and tell what's really going on. They see past the fake smile and all of the, "I'm good's".
Maybe I'm not as brutally honest as I pretend to be.. at least, not about anything personal. Maybe I should be more honest, maybe I should be more "approachable", more "real".
Let's face it, deployments are hard, the army life is hard. But we did sign up for this. The fact is... that doesn't make this any easier.
A lot of people think that God dealt them a bad life. But in the end our life is about the choices that we have made along the way. Whether those choices are good or bad, they're ours to make.
I'm not going to complain about my life, we are active duty because we made the choice to be. I may talk about it being difficult, but I wouldn't trade lives with anyone in the whole world.
When I feel overwhelmed, I write. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm upset or feeling anything until I put a pen to the paper.
I have been pretty surprised at some comments I've heard since AJ has been away. There's always the regular stupid comments, such as: "do you miss him?" But this time it seems that people are jealous... of MY life.
The reason being, that I live with my parents. People really, honestly, truly think that I sit and read, or come and go as I please, while my family takes care of my son.
Honestly, my family does help me out, which I greatly appreciate. But... my family actually has a life of their own, they work and have their own lives outside of me and Emery.
I'm still Emery's mother. When he's up a lot at night...so am I. I still change diapers, give baths, do laundry, get groceries, make his dinner.
But what people may not realize is that I didn't move home just to have help with my son, I also moved home for mental and emotional support.
I cannot imagine spending every evening alone. And maybe I'm a wimp, but I get really scared staying in a home by myself.
I have to admit, while people are being jealous of me, I am jealous of them.
I'm jealous their husbands are home, I'm jealous their kids get to see their daddies every day, I'm jealous they don't have to sleep alone at night, and I'm jealous that their heart isn't aching every minute of every day because they miss someone so much that it hurts.
Everyone goes through difficult things in life, nobody's life is perfect.
This is one of my battles. But I have a lot to smile about: My savior, my husband, my adorable son, my family and my friends who support me every step of the way.
There's more to this smile than you'd think.